Steve's Tech Talk

Thinking About Dates

I have a problem with the accepted Gregorian calendar.  The problem is that I have a hard time remembering which months have how many days each.  There is that stupid rhyme, but there are lots of ways I’ve come up with to get it wrong and still have correct meter.  I prefer to use the knuckle counting technique, which is great as long as you haven’t been in an industrial accident and don’t have polydactylism.

I have a solution to nearly all of the pain, and I intend to make it mandatory when I take over the world¹.  It is similar to the International Fixed Calendar, but it slightly more sensible and a great deal more egotistical.

First, the calendar will have 13 months in it with the following names:

1. Nulluary
2. Primuary
3. Seconduary
4. Tertiary
5. Quatriary
6. Pentuary
7. Hexuary
8. Septuary
9. Octuary
10. Nonuary
11. Decuary
12. Hendecuary
13. Dodecuary

You’ll notice that all months are numbered from 0 up to 12.  There are thirteen months which will play havoc with people who have triskadecaphobia, but too bad.  I have a fear of drowning, but I’m not going to outlaw swimming.  It will give them something to do one month a year.  Everyone needs a hobby.

Every month will have 28 days in it, thusly:

There will never be a Friday the Thirteenth, which will thankfully put an end to that series of film.  All days and months are zero-based making calculations easy.  Mondays will always be on the first, eighth, fifteenth and twenty second.

In addition to the normal days, there will be either one or two extra days in the year:  Steve Day₀ and Steve Day₁.  Every year will have Steve Day₀ which will have no day name (ie, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday…).  Steve Days should be spent honoring me.  I don’t require huge celebrations or parades with giant balloons, but I won’t forbid them either.  Steve Days are holidays and unless your job is considered essential, you will have that day off, otherwise you’ll get time and a half.  Steve Day₁ is the leap day.  It will follow the unfortunately florid and complicated rules that are necessary because our solar system isn’t sane.  This is a reminder to the rest of the world how awful things used to be and to be grateful that I brought order to the system.

Children born on Steve Day will have their birthdays promoted to the next non-Steve Day, but their parents will be offered the opportunity to name their children Stephen or Stephanie.  Otherwise, the name Stephen and all its derivatives (SAAID) will be reserved for me.  Upon my death, SAAID will be up for grabs.  If my death was caused by someone, his or her family line from then on in perpetuity will be forbidden to name their children from SAAID.

I will also mandate the teaching of base 2, 5, 8, 10, and 16 in schools.  As extra credit, students can also learn base 85, but I will not require it.

I expect software engineers to build shrines to me.  I will permit this.

¹Not currently scheduled.